This year (will almost be two in a couple of months), has taught me a lot. As it has nearly all of the world. Starting from the obvious- getting healthy- to the less regarded but still important, need for personal space.
Oh how drastically that has vanished! Mental health disorders are no longer a concern you'd (ignorantly) restrict to the elite. It's as widespread and transmitable as the virus. It can prove to be equally weakening and lethal if not attended to on time. It can be asymptomatic at first but it steadily nibbles away your sanity until you feel so hollow from within, you're completely weighed down.
And I wonder if a rather significant reason for that, or at least one of the contributing factors, is the lack of personal space.
Think about it. With everyone working and/or studying from home, the kitchen doesn't have much breathing space. The scatter is not just on the floor and furniture but settles into the corners of your mind like mites. The need for human contact can be overwhelming. And the desire to unwind is often met with bumps because we all need it at our own pace. It builds up like blocks. Mental blocks. And knocking it all down is simply not an option because the daily humdrum that keeps life in order, will disintegrate just like that.
For order to exist, and a sense of purpose to the day, the monotonous stream of everyday activities can be a familiar cushion that breaks your fall. But to count your day as just a sum of all your chores is a gross injustice to your spirit.
This pandemic has brought to life and is still teaching me the value of claiming my own space. This means that I am allowed to let the laundry collect once in a while. That screen time is not the devil because that's when I can nap and just space out. That even though the office and the home battle it out to grab attention, Iam permitted to put myself first and royally ignore the guilt until it doesn't exist anymore.
Though I'm not really talking about 'me time' here. It isn't about the self care regime you follow- your beauty routine, workout schedule, virtual reunions etc. Because let's face it, most of us are multi-tasking even through all that. It isn't meditation hour or early morning yoga. Nope. To me those are things that need to get done just as much as you need to get that report submitted or the lunch prepped. It is an essential task. And therefore, are delinked from my concept of personal space.
My own personal idea of personal space stems from the need to be simply left alone. To be by myself for an hour or two during the day. To be left to my own thoughts and activities. To talk to myself silently or even out loud. To space out. To wander in my head. Something that this pandemic has sucked away.
Not that I'm unsocial and take joy in loneliness. Being alone and feeling lonely are two very disparate things. While one energizes you, the other pushes you over the edge.
'Alone time' is the energizer pill, the mental immunity shot that I need. One that has seen me through rough weather in the past. My charging station.
So now I must carve out moments during the day to reclaim this space. To have a chai time conversations with myself first. Like everything else that had to be unlearned and learned during this time, this too is a process. But one that I need to perfect because honestly our lifestyles won't ever be the same again. And so we must alter our ways and adapt our needs to the current climate.
So the next time I don't reply or refuse to indulge in aimless chats, it's not because I don't like you or don't want to. It's probably because I'm busy rebuilding the relationship I have with myself. That's the one that ought to matter the most anyway.
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