I've had a strained relationship with my writing for the past few years. Each time I seriously consider putting my heart and soul into it, otherwise sporadic work suddenly flows steady and in abundance. It's the most annoying rollercoaster between frustration and relief. Because while getting more assignments makes me feel relevant, the frustration stems from my inability to sift through my day and create room for personal writing.
How does one even choose? I think back to that time in my life when I wrote, for joy, for myself, to simply put something 'out there'. And I recognize that I was able to do so because I had time on my side.
A realization that makes me want to punch my fist into a pillow.
But I'm also aware that I'm blessed to have a full plate. And so, pushing the confusion and annoyance aside, I am in the process of piecing my inner space back together. Instead of living my life in chunks of influences and ideas, I'm doing my best to amalgamate it all into a cohesive collage.
I wonder why we tend to compartmentalize our years. It's easy to forget to do the things you like. And no amount of well-intended advice to 'put yourself first' appears doable at the time. Either you wiggle and make a place for your own self in your life, or, you wait it out. Trust time.
Life may happen, but it's also the life you've wanted and worked towards achieving so why complain when you're living it? Sure, it demands a certain time frame from your life and you know what, it's wise to give in for a while. To live it fully and live it well. Eventually, you know when a chapter is about to end so you begin to look forward to a new beginning.
And I guess that's where I'm currently at- between chapters.
I miss my blog space though. It doesn't matter that I may or may not have readers. What mattered to me was that I marked my presence here. Why then did I stop? I guess life demanded a chunk of my time so I've been riding the rollercoaster for free.
And then when I had the mind space, blogging suddenly felt so unnecessary.
It's difficult for someone to write from a personal space, on a public platform, without making it sound like a diary. But if that's all there is to the challenge, it's about time I rise to it.
The blog has never been about the people in my life. But I can always make it about what I learn from them. It's never been about jottings of my day. But I can always express my observations. It has never been a space to opine about the latest news and current affairs (God knows Facebook is full of it). But I can always ruminate its impact on our lives. And when none of this fits the bill, I can let my thoughts meander.
Perhaps my thoughts are more grounded today than they were ten years ago. Less caustic, less brooding. I may even choose not to voice every opinion because honestly, why would anyone want to know what I think when they have heads full of their own thoughts and ideas?
And that's what brings me back here- the desire to celebrate the nothingness of my thoughts; it's seeming insignificance. And to stop looking for complexity in places where they don't exist.
How does one even choose? I think back to that time in my life when I wrote, for joy, for myself, to simply put something 'out there'. And I recognize that I was able to do so because I had time on my side.
A realization that makes me want to punch my fist into a pillow.
But I'm also aware that I'm blessed to have a full plate. And so, pushing the confusion and annoyance aside, I am in the process of piecing my inner space back together. Instead of living my life in chunks of influences and ideas, I'm doing my best to amalgamate it all into a cohesive collage.
I wonder why we tend to compartmentalize our years. It's easy to forget to do the things you like. And no amount of well-intended advice to 'put yourself first' appears doable at the time. Either you wiggle and make a place for your own self in your life, or, you wait it out. Trust time.
Life may happen, but it's also the life you've wanted and worked towards achieving so why complain when you're living it? Sure, it demands a certain time frame from your life and you know what, it's wise to give in for a while. To live it fully and live it well. Eventually, you know when a chapter is about to end so you begin to look forward to a new beginning.
And I guess that's where I'm currently at- between chapters.
I miss my blog space though. It doesn't matter that I may or may not have readers. What mattered to me was that I marked my presence here. Why then did I stop? I guess life demanded a chunk of my time so I've been riding the rollercoaster for free.
And then when I had the mind space, blogging suddenly felt so unnecessary.
It's difficult for someone to write from a personal space, on a public platform, without making it sound like a diary. But if that's all there is to the challenge, it's about time I rise to it.
The blog has never been about the people in my life. But I can always make it about what I learn from them. It's never been about jottings of my day. But I can always express my observations. It has never been a space to opine about the latest news and current affairs (God knows Facebook is full of it). But I can always ruminate its impact on our lives. And when none of this fits the bill, I can let my thoughts meander.
Perhaps my thoughts are more grounded today than they were ten years ago. Less caustic, less brooding. I may even choose not to voice every opinion because honestly, why would anyone want to know what I think when they have heads full of their own thoughts and ideas?
And that's what brings me back here- the desire to celebrate the nothingness of my thoughts; it's seeming insignificance. And to stop looking for complexity in places where they don't exist.
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